2 Injustice.

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 14:07:48 GMT

Hello folks! I'm still down in Australia after having performed for Midfur. The organizers were kind enough to give me a few extra days to relax and see the country and I have to say, it is very hard not to fall in love with this place and the people. Not only have I had a brilliant time down here entertaining the Australian furs, I've also had a few very enlightening moments. In fact, one of these moments has very likely changed how I look at the world entirely -- probably forever. Bear with me a moment and perhaps I can give you something to think about...

Jenner.

Jenner is a friend of mine down here. What makes him so cool? Well, in the first place, he is the creator of the Doc Rat comic series (http://www.docrat.com.au/), probably the best anthropomorphic comic strip in all of Australia. He's royalty down here. He's like the Bill Holbrook of Down Under. But what makes him even cooler is that he's a 51 year old furry who is an actual medical doctor currently practicing in Melbourne.

Jenner whips up a mean martini, let me tell you. I know because he invited me to his place to have one. His wife cooked a wonderful dinner and then he and I sat down for a couple of his "Doc Rat" cocktails -- made with some crazy fruit that only happens in Tazmania or something. Very unique and very tasty.

Well, as a person who is also very deep into comedy, we began to discuss what it was that actually created a laugh. After all, as comics, this is very important to us. I told him my idea that in the end, death was always the base motivator in human emotion. And then, he laid it on me....

Injustice.

"What?" I said.

"It's not death that is the base motivator, it's the injustice of death," he said.

Injustice. I thought about it a minute. Injustice. Of course! If I'm dying, it's not the sole fact I'm dying that makes it suck. It's that I'm dying and others get to continue living. It's that I'm dying instead of bad people who don't deserve
to go on. That no matter what good I've done in my life, it's not going to keep me alive any longer than anyone else, no matter what they've done.

The biggest, wide-spread emotional defense to the concept of death has been religion. And basically, religion is just a judgment system. It's there so we can believe that evil people are punished and good people are rewarded. That's what really matters to us as humans. We're not so much adverse to the idea that we'll leave this existence one day as we are to the idea that an innocent six month old baby and a 60 year old child molester could both die and wind up in the same place. The entire purpose of the most popular and unavoidable mind cults on the planet is to develope the idea that this can't happen!

If you talk to religious people, many of them are not afraid to die. But why not? Because they believe their consciousness will continue past death? Or because they believe it will continue in a place where there will be no worry of the people who cause hardship and pain? Would religion take away the fear of death if it taught that we would continue into eternity in the same place with murderers and thieves?

Upon thinking about it, I believe Jenner is some kind of whacked out, crazy, doctor genius. The guy is fucking DEEP. And he's given me a lot to think about. He's said that he might be able to make it to AnthroCon for the first time next year, and I certainly hope he can. I have a feeling I'm going to miss him a lot when I leave here.

I will have a more detailed report of Midfur when I return. For now, see you later, Australia. Thank you guys for the astounding hospitality you've showed me while I was here. I hope to see you again next year. You guys rock!

A weekend to remember!

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 03:13:25 GMT

Time is short, but I wanted to post and mention how awesome this year's Midwest Furfest was! Hey, they've been a class act for a decade now, you have to expect a great event from them.

This year was MFF's 10th anniversary. At opening ceremonies they had everyone stand up and then thinned them out by how many years they'd attended. At the end, the only people left standing were those who had attended all ten years. I'm proud to say I was one of them! And then they gave us all a bunch of goodies. :)

Also, I'm pretty sure they set a record for the number of Guests Of Honor this year. They actually invited back every guest of honor they've ever had! Ten guests of honor made this year a celebrity fest in the dealer room.

I usually like having a comment or two on the hotel but this year, I can't! Because I stayed in the overflow hotel... the Hampton Inn & Suites at Lincolnshire. I have to say, my entire stay at this hotel kicked ass. The rooms were big and decked out with all kinds of amenities. And, as an added bonus, of all people who just happened to be in the room next to us with an adjoining door, it was Agent Elrond! We threw those doors open and spent a lot of time chilling out. She truly is a wonderful person.

But I digress... In all my time going to conventions, I truly don't think I have ever met a more friendly and dedicated hotel staff than at this Hampton. These guys just rocked. And they really did seem to enjoy what was going on with the convention. One receptionist even brought her daughter to the convention on her day off. And the shuttle service between the Hampton and the Westin was always on time, quick and friendly.

Shout outs to the fursuiters at MFF this year. There were a lot of great looking suits and wonderful performers. Everyone really seemed to enjoy their time. Unfortunately, I did not get the chance to go through the dealer's room. There were a lot of people in there I wanted to say hello to.

It was a great pleasure performing for everyone on Friday and then again on Saturday night with Uncle Kage for our impromptu charity performance. In the end, we raised $750!

In any case, I had a lot of fun at MFF this year performing and giving panels and I hope that you guys enjoyed them too.

I do have to apologize to Uncle Kage, however. I didn't mean to upset you, man. I honestly thought you'd appreciate the pie in the face or I seriously wouldn't have done it. Hey, it did get a big laugh anyway. I knew you were going to talk about Soupy Sales and I thought it would fit the mood. Either way, it was very good performing with you once again!

I would love to take a few days and just chill out after a party like that, but I can't. Because coming this next weekend, I will be in Australia to perform for Midfur II in Melbourne! I can't wait to see all you furries down under again. Catch you guys next weekend!

Midwest Furfest

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 11:32:33 GMT

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything here. I apologize for that but I have a very good reason! Actually I don't. But I'm going to pretend I do so that I can masturbate over how right I am later.

To be honest, I have some tall apologizing to do to the folks out there. Obviously, I've been dropped off the map for quite a while now. I've had lots of e-mails from folks asking me if I'm still alive and saying that they miss me and the shows and rants.

To be honest, I miss them too.

Without being all dramatic, I'll say that the time I spent in Michigan didn't wind up doing me too well. The last four years of my life has been a wreck. It wasn't the state of Michigan alone or any one person or factor that caused my life to spontaneously clusterfuck itself. It has been a series of choices, experiences and unfortunate decisions that lead me down a path in life that looked safe and interesting at first, but turned out to be very bad further down the trail.

As soon as I saw the path I was on turning ugly and dangerous, I left it. And at the same time, left behind about four years to uselessness. I haven't been a very good entertainer lately.

However, I wanted everyone to know that my last few months have been relatively silent because I am busy putting myself back together. I've moved to California into a very caring environment with good people. I have a new studio I've put together with some amazing new equipment that I will be creating new projects in soon. I'm resetting myself from the last few years and refocusing on what it is I want to do... being an entertainer in whatever capacity I can be.

Though it isn't on the website (rebuilding it is still on my to do list), I will be at MFF next weekend to perform a comedy show for you! I look forward to seeing you all there and I hope you have a safe and pleasant trip.

More to come!

Apocalypse Of Cute On Sale Now!

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:10:32 GMT

By the way folks, just a reminder...

Because of the move to California, I wasn't really able to keep my site updated or let everyone know, but the new DVD "Apocalypse Of Cute" is on sale at Rabbit Valley Comics right now! (Even though it doesn't say so on my website.)

That means you could order it and they'll send it right to your house... with Some Butter(TM)! Yes! This week only, every order of Apocalypse Of Cute comes with.......... SOME BUTTER(TM)! So not only do you get my latest DVD, but you also get something you can smear inside a garbage bag and roll around in until you gasm! And then put on crackers and eat! Some Butter(TM) is the most versatile thing ever and you can experience the magic of Some Butter(TM) now if you order my new DVD, "Apocalypse Of Cute(TM)" from Rabbit Valley Comics(TM) Today(TM)!

http://www.rabbitvalley.com/

Here's a preview...

Bees!

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 11:43:00 GMT

I thought I'd gotten away from them.

Moving to Detroit was an unexpected maneuver. I sank into obscurity and they lost me. When I did go outside, I would wear a wig and bright clothing. Every now and then, I would see one of their agents looking for me, but they never recognized me. I was hidden enough that nothing happened I couldn't handle. I'd finally escaped.

Or so I thought.

Moving to California seemed like a good play. Lose them in the cold wasteland of Detroit, then relocate to throw them off the trail. But as soon as I arrived, they were here waiting for me.

A wasp nest. Hanging on the front porch of my new house. Waiting for me.

I don't know how they knew I would be here, but it's too late now. They've seen me. They sit there on the nest, watching me. They're watching me now, as I write this. Watching me and sending information back to their evil, stingy headquarters. Waiting for orders.

Sometimes I can hear them whispering. They say, "We don't hate you. We just want to kiss you. We want to kiss your eyes."

But I know it's a lie. I know I'm on borrowed time.

By the way... the new Ranting Gryphon studios is officially open. There is still a lot to be done, but it's now functional. I'm writing this mail from the new office. You've all been very patient over the last year. I've been going batshit in anticipation of getting back to work. But the waiting will be over soon. I'm looking forward to making new videos, songs, shows and whatever else I can think of. Keep an eye on the website for more details. It will be redesigned soon!

Interesting e-mail.

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 03:15:29 GMT

You know how you can be asked a question a million times and not really have a good answer for it, but then one day, in some kind of ten minute projectile genius infection, you give an answer to that same question better than you thought possible?

I did that today. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

********************
"When chatting to some friends the other night they said I could quite possible do well on stand up comedy etc after I had done a rambling piece about some sillyness over here in the UK. This gained some laughs from them, so I guess that was where they were coming from, not sure but oh well. Thing is, I've no real idea on how to go about getting material into my head, a couple things seem to be there I could use, but well that would get old quickly and was wondering if you would be able to help me out in any way."
*********************

My reply:

You know, it's an interesting subject you present here. This was a question I found myself asking also in my first years as a comic. Where do I get more material? How do I make more jokes and find new things to make fun of.

The answer was elusively simple. You have to allow yourself more opportunities for comedy to come into your life. You have to invite it in, in a sense. You have to view everything you see, hear, learn or experience within the window of potential comedy material. A hundred potential jokes fly by you every day, if you only pay attention and look for them.

Comedy is more than making jokes. It's an actual path in life. You have to *pursue* comedy. You have to put yourself in the way of it and let it crash into you! You have to make choices in your life that bring you on a collision course with funny!

Your friends are going to get completely pissed and go to a karaoke bar and you don't really feel like joining them? Get up and go anyway! You could be passing up a story that would get you a standing ovation! Your friend needs help moving out? Do it! You get the chance to bungee jump from a bridge? Take it! Never let the chance for a funny moment to pass by without staring it right in the face and wringing every possible bit of funny from it. Turn your very life into a search for comedy.

It's a very interesting mindset to get into. Almost meditative. But you'll find that with a little practice and dedication, you'll have more jokes throwing themselves at you than you can possibly use!

More than anything, you have to love comedy. It's absolutely necessary. You have to love everything about it or it will quickly turn into a bad relationship. If you think you can undertake this, then comedy can be more personally rewarding than anything else in your life.

All my best, and good luck!

- 2 Gryphon

Chewfox Drama GO!

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 05:21:05 GMT

There seem to be a lot of furries out there who are still confused about how this "bad media" thing works. That is, the conditions under which some oversexed, obnoxious, hyper gigglefairy goes in front of national media and makes everyone think the furry fandom is filled with people like them.

Is it bad? Yes. Because that signals all the other oversexed, obnoxious, hyper gigglefairies that, "Holy consecrated shit, Batman! These are our people!" And our furry cons start filling up with people who simply want to come to a hotel to fuck strangers, gobble cock and parade private bedroom activities in public to thumb their nose at a society with whom they couldn't get along. They come for a lot of reasons, but the least of all is anything having to do with being a fan of anthropomorphics. If you hadn't noticed, the number of these twinks has risen sharply since the media started slamming the fandom a few years ago. If the news says furries are a bunch of gigglefairies who go to hotels to fuck, then giglefairies who want to go to hotels to fuck will start signing up. If they said we were Satanist bikers... well, guess where all the Satanist bikers would go. (Hmmm. At least they'd keep their pants on.)

There is a lot of drama right now about the latest gigglefairies to voluntarily go on national TV and "represent" the fandom. Some furs are pissed off. Other furs are pissed off at the furries who are pissed off. Some support the gigglefairies, others don't.

Open your eyes for just a minute and look at what's going on. It doesn't MATTER what happens, the media WILL get their story if they want it. The Tyra show sent requests to furry lists asking for people who wanted to be on the show. If all the intelligent furries decline, if all the furries who don't want the fandom to be seen as a sex show tell them to eat dog shit, then who is that going to leave? Exactly! The gigglefairies! If people who care about the fandom and are smart enough not to go on national media walk away, it's only going to leave the media a selection of morons who just want their mugs on TV and who don't truly give a shit about how the fandom is represented. The media wins. It's exactly who they WANT to put in front of a camera.

What's the solution? For the intelligent furs to volunteer for the spot before the morons get them? No. If an intelligent furry gets in front of the camera and represents the fandom without making us all look like pervs, it will simply not be shown. The media will continue down the line until the get ahold of a moron who'll say just what they want to hear. And you always run the risk of being misquoted or being lead into a verbal trap.

In the end, the media WILL GET their furry pervert story. It's what they want and they won't accept anything else if it's what they're looking for. And there are plenty of idiots in the fandom to give it to them. If Chewfox and company had refused, they would have gone down the line to the next fuckstick who wanted to sell the reputation of the fandom to get his face on TV.

So now, a shit ton of furries are out there blowing their tops over how this should have never happened, and another shit ton supporting what happened. Since there is no way to prevent it in the first place and it's going to happen whether or not we want it to, the only thing we're doing is.......

CREATING MORE DRAMA!!!

And you know what drama does? It attracts the fucking media.

Gigglefairies are taking over the furry fandom. They have been for years and the only way to stop them is to tell them to get lost, which furries are not willing to do. In the end, all we're doing is filling what we have left of our fandom with WAAAAHHH. The real furries out there will find a way to adapt, either by starting other groups or learning to accept being known as perverts. But we need to find a way to do it with a little bit of Goddamned dignity, folks. Drama has not, does not, and will never solve a single fucking thing.

So this Chewfox business... get over it. It happened. It was inevitable. Move on. Do something useful. If everyone out there who was whining about Chewfox wrecking the fandom's name set up a furry charity fundraiser, public service event or even lifted a damn finger to do something to improve the fandom's name instead of just whining, then we wouldn't have this problem.

Rainforrest Over

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 22:29:41 GMT

Well, Rainforrest has come and gone and let me tell you, I had a terrible weekend.

It's not like it sounds though! Everything terrible about the weekend had nothing to do with the convention, the hotel, the staff or the fans. In fact, I'd like to offer a heartfelt apology to the staff and members of this year's Rainfurrest for being so distant and scarce.

Thursday... some personal emotional baggage was dumped on me. I was rather depressed that night and didn't feel much like hanging out, though I did spend a little while with some furs from Oregon and California in the lobby at ungodly hours of the morning.

Friday... Thank the tits of Persius, this was the only day nothing went wrong for me. And it was also the day all of my performances were scheduled. I got up bright and early, spent most of the day wandering the convention, talking with the nice furs there, signing things for them and having a good time. Went to the GOH dinner and did the celebrity roast with some wonderfully funny furs I had the pleasure of meeting earlier that day, then I did my comedy show. After the show, I spent some time at the bar sharing stories and some good conversation with the furs there, then finally went upstairs and passed out.

Saturday... Today began with a bit of a hangover. No problem, I thought. I just spent a couple of extra hours in bed. Around noon, I thought I would be right as rain, and then the migrane hit. For those who've never had a migrane, imagine falling into an outhouse pit in Thailand on a 100 degree day after being kicked in the nuts, pepper sprayed and infected with a colony of carnivorous, flesh eating squeak toys. Now take that whole sensation, put it into the size of a pea and place it in your skull, just behind your right eyesocket. I was useless until almost 6pm. I missed most of Alexanders show. And I also missed out on the wonderful dinner that Orka invited me to. After the headache was gone, I did stay up rather late, again hanging out and getting blasted with furs. But I missed most of the convention that day.

Sunday... The first sensation I remember was the feeling of having acid poured into my nose and down my throat. I woke up around noon and found my face exploding from the inside from con crud. I felt like shit so I took some medicine and went back to sleep for awhile. The next time I woke up, closing ceremonies was already in progress. I drug myself to a final con dinner with some of my close friends. It was very pleasant, but my head was spinning the entire time. When I got back to the hotel, it was about 9pm. I'd had several offers from folks to get me drinks at the bar and others I knew had wanted to hang out, but by this time, I was just feeling miserable. I sat in and watched a movie in bed, then went to sleep.

I had fun performing at Rainfurrest, and from what I experienced of the con, it was quite fun. Unfortunately, I didn't experience nearly as much of this convention as I have of others. And again, I apologize for my scarcity.

For inviting me to the con and being such wonderful hosts, thank you to North and the rest of the staff. You guys did a really good job.

I hope to see you all again next year, hopefully without little virus fuckers having a rave in myself.

Rainfurrest!

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:05:41 GMT

Hello friends!

I wanted to remind everyone of gravy. Gravy is a very wonderful thing. And you can eat it too! But you can also pour it over a kitten and then decide you are in a diet and not eat it. And then you can just laugh at the kitten as you become thin.

Or, you can take the gravy and put it all over a fursuit, then you can kill yourself and go to that big parents' basement in the sky. And when all the 4-channers see you, they'll go "Eeeeww! Furries are gross!" And we can say, "Heh! Yeah!" and win 5 gross internets because we made 4-channers have boners they hate to admit they get.

Gravy is amazing. And what's the first thing you think of when you think of gravy? That's right. Seattle! And starting tomorrow, I will be in Seattle to attend Rainfurrest.

This will be my first Rainfurrest and I'm looking forward to kicking back with some Northwest style furry partying. I will have a comedy performance for you and will be involved in a celebrity roast. I will likely be spending some time chilling out at the bar with Uncle Kage and Alexander James Adams and whomever else pops in and tells me how wonderful I am. (I like it when furries do that.)

So, if you're not doing anything this weekend and you would like to spend some time hanging out with furries (and who doesn't?), then float up to Seattle with your gravy boat and have a good time with us!

(Oh... and just by the way... if you go, you have to see Alexander's show. You just have to. People are going ga-ga for him in Europe and American Filk cons and there's a good reason. Watch the video. Watch the whole thing. These are not the droids you're looking for. Watch the damn video.)

Breaking News.

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:19:59 GMT

At this moment, I am currently watching the news channels go ape-raping batshit. Why? Because just a few moments ago they discovered that a possible terrorist attack they were covering live that appeared to be thwarted by the US coast guard was, in fact, a training exercise according to authorities.

Just a little while ago, news channels began piping live pictures of the Potomic River in Washington DC into the living rooms of millions of people. The anchors dramatically narrated the events on the screen as coast guard boats seemingly chased away a smaller craft that was violating restricted space near the Pentagon, inevitably followed by nearly continuous replays of the most incriminating footage as they struggled to discover the details of this event.

One boat chasing another boat away. This was enough to get the news networks into scare mode. This is all it took for them to decide that it was time to thrust terror onto the television-watching citizens of the United States.

By the time they were able to discover that what they were looking at was a training exercise, they had already spent about half an hour building up what could have been the next big media scare. And in their embarrassment, who do they thrust the blame upon? The US government.

Now suddenly, pompous commentators and busy-body news reporters are discussing how horribly terrible, wrong and disgusting it is for the government to order a this training exercise without telling the public and frightening millions of people.

If I could, I would literally vandalize every ass in the news media with my foot right now. I want to put a "fuck off!" stamp on the heel of my boot and leave the imprint across the nose of every one of these dick cheese snorting idiots.

THEY are the ones who CAUSED millions of people to be frightened! If it hadn't been for them trying to scrape up just a few more rating points by bottom feeding from the fear of their viewers before they even knew what the fuck was going on, then no one would have blinked. They were all set to get everyone good and afraid, but now that there's nothing to be afraid of, they're saying it's disgusting that the government would frighten people in this way.

On this 9-11 anniversary, let me tell you friends... the terrorists hit the wrong buildings.

Eurofurence 15

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 20:58:02 GMT

I'd like to thank the staff of Eurofurence for once again treating us furries to the most exotic, magical and well-run furry event on the entire face of Jesus.

Though it was a very happy and enjoyable weekend, it was seasoned throughout with a dash of sadness for most of the furries there. The Ringberg Hotel had become home to Eurofurence in a way that no other location in the past had. It was more than just event space, it had a spirit of its own -- and when that spirit collided with the spirit of the furries, it meshed in a way that could only be called brilliant. There was a deep and abiding respect and general sense of fun between the hotel staff and the furries. From the registration desk attendants who allowed fursuiters to come behind the desk and help check in guests, to people like hotel food and beverage manager Andre, who literally turned into an otter right in front of our eyes, hung a badge of his character on himself that said, "Master Of Alcohol" and would sometimes open the beer taps wide and start shoveling beer into the arms of hundreds of furries for no charge whatsoever.

There were more than a few tears shed on Monday morning, on both sides.

However, the inescapable fact is Eurofurence has become to large for the Ringberg. It was too large for it when it moved in three years ago, and has overflowed more and more each year. This year was beautiful fun, but there were times when the place would feel downright claustrophobic. Literally wall-to-wall furries. I've been thrilled when I've gone on stage and looked out to an audience that is standing room only. But I've never seen an event cause an entire hotel to go standing room only!

It is for these reasons that Eurofurence will be moving next year to the city of Magdeburg, about an hour east of Berlin. While I know we'll all miss the Ringburg, I also have complete faith that the EF staff will only continue to make each year better, as they have for the last 15 years.

As for this year's event, I want to say thank you to my European fans and friends for coming to my comedy show and allowing me to perform for you. I have to admit, either you were a tougher audience than usual or my jokes just sucked more than usual this year. :) But I did get you to laugh a bit and I hope you enjoyed the show. Thank you also for staying and watching my comrade Uncle Kage and I make fools of ourselves for your viewing pleasure.

I was very impressed with many of the other events I attended, some of them new this year. Timothy Albee's panel on tailmaking contained some of the most innovative techniques I've heard. The Pawpet Show was spectacular, as always. The game shows were a riot. And the Magic Carpet Ride was just a blast for everyone!

Personally, I can't wait till next year. I think it will be very interesting to watch this convention grow and take on a bigger life. Thanks again to the staff and to all the members for making another Eurofurence a joy to attend!

2 And Jibba's New Year's Bash.

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 01:29:12 GMT

I've returned from Eurofurence, which was a wonderful event. I'll be posting my review soon. However, before that, I would like to ask you nice furries a question.

Jibba and I are pondering hosting a New Year's event. This would not be an ordinary party. It would be an all-out, psychotic, vomit-fuck, nun-death bash. It would be in a hotel in Irvine, CA. We would have the main performance hall and the party would feature stand up comedy, live music, games and a New Year's dance. Fursuits would be welcomed and encouranged.

We're still figuring out the cost. But it would be somewhere between $125 and $200. I know that sounds like a lot, but that would cover your hotel room for the night, the entertainment, the cost of the performance room, the bartenders and, depending on how much you paid, would get you free drinking for between one and three hours at the bar during the party. And, if you wanted to stay extra days before or after the event (which we hope you will), the cost for the rooms per night would be $89 -- which is about $100 off the normal room cost for this very classy hotel.

This would not be a fur con. This would simply be a furry holiday event for those who would like to spend the New Year celebration partying and dancing with other furries. Jibba and I would be the hosts of the event and we'd welcome anyone to come and take part in our idea of some kick ass furry fun.

But before we can decide if we can do this event, we will have to have a certain amount of people who will be interested in coming. Therefore I'd like to ask if you think you'd attend an event like this...

View Poll: 2 And Jibba's New Year's Bash

Tired

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 16:29:25 GMT

I open my eyes after a dreamless night to find myself in Plaga Subpono, that place where for a few moments, you have no idea where you are.

I'm in the old trailer off the bumpy dirt road in Arkansas. Or -- is it a hotel room? No, too many of my things are around. It must be the nice third-floor apartment in Ann Arbor.

There's a faint blue light illuminating the cracks of the blinds over my window. It must be raining. Unless it's snowing. The clock says 7:42. But morning or evening? I can't tell.

Do I have money right now? Or am I penniless? It feels like I ate something unhealthy last night. It must have been Taco Bell because I couldn't afford anything else. I must be poor right now. But -- perhaps I was treated to a nice restaurant by a friend. Or maybe I treated someone else. Jim? Did I take Jim out to Bistro to play billiards and have some dinner and beer? It feels like I've done someone wrong.

Crap! There must be something important I'm forgetting! Do I have a flight today? If it's morning, do I need to be on my way to the airport? But what if it's evening? Did I take a nap before a performance and need to haul ass down to some stage to put on a show before I'm late? There must be something I need to be worried about, but I can't remember. A meeting? Did I promise to call Amadhi? Am I supposed to be writing or studying? Is there an important e-mail I'm neglecting? Something feels urgent.

In the moments before my brain wakes up and my questions are answered, I realize I'm so weary of stress that I could just collapse. I find myself bereft, not of the knowledge of where I am, but who I am. I'm tired. I don't want to wake into panic anymore, wondering before anything else what it is I should be worrying about.

Maybe this move to California, surrounded by good people and caring friends, will help to snap me out of it.

Gunman records himself firing into rush hour traffic.

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 20:28:09 GMT

I just don't know if I'll get used to the violence out here in LA.

Kingman Anyway

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 13:11:03 GMT

So, we were in Albuquerque, right? And a wonderful furry named Gavyn said, "Hey! Stay here for a night. I'll take care of it!"

And we were like, "Wow. Okay!"

So we did. We had dinner at a Chinese Buffet called Chinky King (okay, it was "China King" but we renamed it, dammit). Then we hung out for a little while and drank and talked and watched Gavyn laugh as Jibba and I harassed each other. It was fun!

Well, it was around this time that I made my last post from the hotel, about staying somewhere in Arizona. And unbeknownst to me, Gavyn read that post.

So the next afternoon, as we're about to leave, Gavyn says, "Here!"

And we're like, "What?"

And he hands us some cash! And we're like, "Dude!"

Long story short, because of Gavyn helping us out and because of a friend of Jibba's who got us a kick ass deal for a hotel room, we were able to stop over in Kingman, AZ anyway! And that's where I'm writing this from.

Now, I knew that it was a long shot to find furries around these parts anyway. But if there does happen to be any in Kingman, and you happen to see this post in time, give me a reply here. Maybe we'll be able to catch lunch or something before we take off later this afternoon!

A Modest Proposal

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 10:31:21 GMT

Hello from the long, dusty road!

Jibba and I have successfully made it into the desert on our long trek to California and are staying with a furry friend in Albuquerque for the night. It's certainly beautiful out here and we're enjoying the trip. We should be in California sometime Sunday night or Monday.

First, I wanted to say thank you for all the Happy Birthday wishes and pictures I've received from you guys. Since I was busy packing a moving truck and driving across the country, I didn't get to checking my messages until now. It's great to know that so many people remembered. You guys rock!

Second, there's a small proposal I'd like to open up to anyone who'd dig the idea.

You see, Jibba and I are enjoying our trip. We'd like to keep the fun rolling while we can. Hey, it's not every day a gryphon and raccoon moves across the country. The problem is, this moving truck drinks gas like a middle class house wife packs away vodka. We'd like to stay over another night somewhere between here and California, but we just can't afford it.

So I'd like to open up an opportunity to anyone who might be interested. If you are in or near Flagstaff or Kingman, Arizona and you've got some crazy desire to hang out with Jibba and I on Sunday night -- if you can get a hotel room with two beds for one night in either of these towns where Jibba and I can stay for the night -- then we'd like to spend the evening with our host, having dinner and sharing some booze and stories and basically kicking back and having a good time until we crash.

In plain terms, if you spring for a hotel room then we'd love to party with you!

Now don't think this is a plea for help on our trip. We can make it to California. We're not going to be stuck in the middle of the desert sucking the eyeballs out of lizards for sustenance and getting Jibba a job being on fire as the burning man (although I would laugh my ass off). If no one is interested, then we'll probably wind up grabbing a nap at a rest stop for a couple of hours and then pushing on to LA.

But we've had so much fun hanging out with the furs in the places we've stopped so far that we'd like to do it one more time before we get to where we're going. We just don't happen to have the cash to grab another hotel room.

So... If you'd like to chill out with Jibba and I on Sunday night in either Flagstaff or Kingman (or actually any Arizona town along I-40 between Flagstaff and the California border) and you can get us a hotel room in which to do the chilling, then let us know! Send an e-mail to my Gmail account -- twogryphon@gmail.com -- with a phone number I can contact you at. I can check the messages from the road and give you a call so we can work out the details.

If all works out, then we'll see you Sunday night! Otherwise, we'll see you in California soon!

Take care, all!

Jokes.

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:28:24 GMT

"People can get hurt. And a joke just isn't worth that."

This is an emotional epiphany spoken by Kyle in an episode of South Park as he realizes that when a joke can hurt someone it just isn't worth telling it anymore -- that the potential hurt that people might feel isn't worth making others laugh.

I like South Park. They have some pretty righteous messages sometimes. But let me tell you, this particular philosophy is pure bullshit and don't you believe it for a minute.

The fact is that these days you could say the word "bananas" and someone out there will have hurt feelings. People are simply looking for any excuse they can find to be offended, especially people who think they have a bone to pick with society like gay people and minorities. And yes, furries too.

I like to think I understand how comedy works on at least a rudimentary level. And as far as I've ever experienced, a joke that has no chance of offending anyone CAN'T be funny! It's just not possible. Most of what makes a joke funny is its potential to offend someone else! You want a joke that can't offend anyone.... here...

What's the smallest room?

Give up? A mushroom!

This is the paragon of comedy that can't offend anyone. It doesn't get any better. Enjoy.

So remember, when you find yourself offended by a joke that has been made, please understand that a joke that didn't offend you is sure as hell going to piss someone ELSE off! Sure, you may not have liked it, but there are others who got some enjoyment out of it. And soon enough, you're going to laugh at a joke that will offend another person just as you were offended. It's a certainty, and it's the way comedy works.

I guess what I'm really saying was said better by Jesus. He who is without sin may cast the first stone. Or, as I would say it, unless you've never laughed at a joke that could have hurt someone else, then shut your whiny fucking mouth when you hear a joke that offends you. Just get over it and move on. Or better yet, learn to laugh at yourself. You know what happens when you can laugh at yourself AND others? .....Then you're always laughing. And that ain't bad.

Come tomorrow, I will have my computer packed and in the back of a moving van headed for California. By the time you hear from me again, I will officially be a California fur.

See you on the other side!

OS Wars.

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 06:04:02 GMT

"So," I interject to the Microsoft tech employee, "I'd like to ask you about something."

"Oh?" He peers curiously at me.

"I have a little theory about Microsoft, their operating systems and why Vista sucks so much balls and I'd like to hear what you think about it," says I, confidently.

"Well, let's hear it!" He replies with nipples.

"Here's the way I figure it. Microsoft makes the most money from their operating systems. So naturally, they need people to buy them. But if the operating system people have already bought works just fine -- say, like XP -- then people don't want to buy another one. They're fine with the one they have."

The Microsoft employee scratches his chin. "Yes?"

"Well, it appears to me that the best way to get people to buy more operating systems is to intentionally make shitty ones now and then. You make a shitty OS, then release updates only for that OS and drive the technology toward it. Have games, utilities and functions that are only released for the crappy OS and eventually, people will HAVE to buy it whether they want to or not!"

"Go on," says the Microsoft employee, curiously.

"So then, after you've gotten everyone to buy a crappy OS that they hate, you suddenly introduce a new OS that is really good! Then people will go out and buy ANOTHER OS, just because they're sick to death of the crappy one they had to buy. That way, you can get them to consistently buy new OSs. Build a crappy one, drive the technology to it, force people to buy it, then give them a way out. Wash, rinse, repeat. Essentially, since Microsoft doesn't have any close competition, they start OS wars with THEMSELVES so that people will be driven to buy more OSs from them."

The Microsoft employee eyeballs me for a moment, lowers his head and then quietly nods, knowingly.

"You know," he says, "You'd be surprised how much truth there is in what you just said."

God, I love being right.

Another 2 Sense Update.

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 11:25:30 GMT

Hello, 2 Sense fans!

I want you all to know that the show is still very prominent on my mind and I've not forgotten about it. In three weeks, I will be moving to Los Angeles and after getting there, the new Ranting Gryphon Studios will begin construction. We have a lot of new equipment and I'm really excited at the possibilities of creativity they'll offer. We're looking forward to the best 2 Sense ever and plenty more for you.

There is some good news and some bad news.

First, the bad news is that there will be no auditions for a new co-host as previously planned. I know some of you out there were looking forward to trying out for the position and taking a shot at being the next great co-host of the show. At this point, there will be no auditions because the new co-host has already been chosen.

The good news is... that new co-host will be Jibba Foxcoon. That's right, the same old Jibba you've come to know and love. As he's fallen on the same housing difficulties I have (and, to be honest, most of the state of Michigan has), he also found himself in a position where he'll need to move. And after careful consideration, he's decided to move to Los Angeles also.

Personally, I'm very happy and relieved that Jibba will be continuing the show with me as it makes this jump to a new level. I think it would have been a terrible hit to the show to lose him.

So, with that said, you have now been kept up to date on the latest 2 Sense news. We're stil haven't pinned down an exact date for the new season to start because there is still a lot of work to do and it's uncertain how long it will take to get everything set up. I know it has been a long wait, but we're going to try out best to make it worth it.

Take care!

DVD Poll

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 11:17:35 GMT

Since some of you have seen my show this year, you'll know what is going to be in the next DVD. I thought I might ask your opinion on some things...

View Poll: DVD Poll

Elegant Douchery 2

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 18:44:50 GMT

Dear Y'all -- again.

Thank you for answering my mail on your show and giving me some wonderful advice. Because of you, I believe I now know the best way to deal with the situation.

Though none of you said it directly, I could practically feel some of your fingers wanting to type, "It's a gift, you ungrateful prick!" And you know what? You're absolutely right. I have long criticized artists for whining when a character they invent is drawn by other people in ways they might not like. The fact is, when you give a character to the world, it doesn't just belong to you anymore. It belongs to everyone. It lives in THEIR imaginations too. And if you don't want a character you love to be subject to the imaginations of others, then you'd better not give it to them in the first place.

To be honest, the only thing that really separates 2, The Ranting Gryphon from any other gryphon is a paid of round, orange sunglasses. And I wouldn't mind having a gryphon suit at all. If it comes down to it, I can remove the sunglasses (if there are any) and wear the suit happily. But in any case, if someone is, in fact, making a 2 suit for me, I will accept it happily and be thankful that the character lives so vividly in their imagination that they wanted to put the effort into making a physical manifestation of him.

In short, I WAS being an ungrateful prick and I needed a bit of a smack in the head from you guys. Thanks for keeping me in line. I need that sometimes.

- 2 Gryphon

Elegant Douchery

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:44:40 GMT

I'm in a bit of a pickle, and I would like some advice. Consider this a "what would YOU do" kind of situation. This is like a Dear 2 letter, except in reverse.

Dear Y'all,

A couple of months ago, my roommate came to me with a measuring tape and started measuring seemingly random parts of my personal anatomy and writing down the figures. He told me it was for a surprise, but he couldn't say what it is or who was responsible for it. Last week at AnthroCon, someone came up and had me try on a wire frame construction on my head, "for reference" he said. And later, someone came to my table and asked to take a photograph of my head with a little ruler next to it.

Now, I'm not completely oblivious. It seems like someone might want to surprise me with a fursuit head. Maybe even a whole suit. Since I don't know the nature of it, I can't be certain.

The problem is, I don't want a 2, The Ranting Gryphon suit! I think it's a character that is better left in the imagination. However, I have no idea what is being made, IF it's a fursuit or IF it's even of my character. If it was, say, some random character -- a weasel or a deer or a raccoon -- well, that's no problem. I like fursuiting and I've always wanted my own suit to bounce around in. But I'd never have a suit of my character. And if I ever do, I will be extremely particular about the design.

So, here I am. I *suspect* a suit is being made for me as a surprise. But I can't assume too much. I don't even know who is making it. The worst case scenario is that a fursuit newb will give me a suit of my character that looks like a chicken that was wandering around Chernobyl when it blew up. On the other hand, it could be some adorable other character being made by an expert and will totally kick ass. Both of these are possibilities, along with everything in between. Even if it IS an awkward looking suit, I would still appreciate the work that went into it and it would be terrible of me not to wear it sometimes, even if I don't want my character to be in this form.

I don't know whether to find the person responsible and ask him not to make the suit, not to make my particular character, or leave it alone entirely.

What the heck should I do? Any ideas?

**P.S. If you do happen to be the person who is in charge of this, please do contact me. I know you didn't realize what an awkward circumstance this would be. And I greatly appreciate the thought. But I think everything could work out if we could just touch base.**

AnthroCon 09

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 16:47:57 GMT

After staying an extra couple of days in Pittsburgh (I insist on being the last furry of the year to get a Fernando's lasagna wrap) I'm back in my studio. I want to thank the staff of AnthroCon for bringing us yet another excellent event, for being an upstanding example of professionalism and organization in the furry culture and finally, for all the personal assistance and encouragement they gave to me. And, of course, for allowing me to perform once more. It was a pleasure entertaining you all again and I hope my performance was fun.

What to say about AnthroCon... I'm literally getting BORED of having nothing but confetti and rainbows exploding out of my face for them. But I can't help it. They're a consistently amazing event! And even as they get ridiculously large, they're still easy to work with as a member and as a dealer. There's so little hassle being there, I almost feel like I'm cheating somehow! Thanks again for another wonderful event.

And thanks to you guys for coming up to me and saying hello. It was great to get a chance to talk with you guys, whether we've talked before or it was the first time we'd met. Seeing your excitement for my show and at my dealer table for the new DVDs really encourages me to continue and improve for you. Several big contributors to the 2 Sense Show came and said hello. It was good to meet you. Varmit and M... it was great having breakfast with you in Fernando's on Thursday morning. I do wish that I'd had more time to spend with some of you, but you all seemed very understanding of how busy I was there, and for that, I also thank you.

Thanks for the wonderful gifts you gave me. I got an autograph book from Furcadia, a whole CASE of Guinness, bottles of absinthe, Crown Royal, Jack Daniels, Evan Williams and (OMG) a bottle of Dalwhinnie 15 year Single Malt scotch from a big contributor to the 2 Sense Show. I got badges and pictures from some talented artists. Agent Elrond came to my dealer table and gave me a binder with the ORIGINAL drawings from every 2 Sense title picture she'd ever drawn. I nearly shat myself! I got packages of fine tea, foreign coins, vintage video games, and of course, YOUR MONEY! Muaahahahahaaa! But the greatest gift I received from you was your laughter at my performance on Saturday and at the charity show with Uncle Kage on Sunday.

I only had the chance to see a few shows while I was there. Uncle Kage was definitely at the top of his game. The fusuit parade was fabulous. The number of fursuiters was just... sick. There was more fur in that parade than in the armpits of a Puerto Rican!

I had an amazing time, and I hope everyone else did too.

But I have to mention... at this AnthroCon, I got the greatest piece of furry artwork I've ever had. You guys know the artist Fossil? Of course you do. Because Fossil rocks. He's always rocked. But now... he's doing professional tattoos. He's licensed and ready to kick ass. And that's just what he was doing at AnthroCon. He had a tattoo parlor set up in his room! And let me tell you, he was one of the busiest artists all weekend. Luckily, he was able to fit me into his busy schedule for a good few hours of ink and pain. And, as soon as I realized I could get in, I comissioned my long trusted and talented artist friend Lizardbeth to draw a picture for me which will now be with me to my grave. I can think of no two other people I would rather have put a permanent piece of art on my body.

Here is the result...

Lizardbeth and Fossil... you two are awesome and I can't thank you enough.

If any of you have ever been curious to get a tattoo, I can't recommend Fossil highly enough. He was extremely professional, experienced and simply fun to spend time with.

I hope to see you all and entertain you again at the next AnthroCon!

Apocalypse Of Cute

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 17:53:32 GMT

Hello folks!

My new DVD, "Apocalypse Of Cute", has been mastered and has begun its production run. It will premier at AnthroCon 2009 and be available to order from Rabbit Valley afterward! The DVD features my 60 minute stand up performance from AnthroCon 2008 and an extra bonus feature. The live 2 Sense Show from AnthroCon 2007! I have uploaded not one, not two, not three, not eight hundred and six, but FOUR -- four previews of this DVD for you to look at.

Hope you enjoy!

Out West!

2@ranting-gryphon.com — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 21:36:19 GMT

Hey all!

So, I'm out on the west coast right now. Just finished Califur weekend and am vising the folks I will be moving in with when I move here in a couple of months. It was great performing for you west coast furries again after so many years. You guys were wonderful to me and it was great getting to talk with you and entertain you again.

As you may have noticed, I've been a little scarce. I want to apologize for that. There's been no 2 Sense and recently, no FA:N shows or rants either. Well, I haven't dropped off the planet. I wanted everyone to know that there is going to be a slight drop off of my web material over the next few months due to the process of moving. You know how it is... You pack up your satanic altar, hand grenades and portable, junior Kthulu summoning kit and then it's really a pain to dig it back out in order to work. Once I get set up in California, all your favorite me-stuff will be coming back, and more than likely, it will be better than before. 2 Sense 2.2 will get started. Even FA:N will be going to video. There will be more video rants and short movies from me. (I'm even considering re-doing many of my old audio rants into videos. Any ideas?)

I wanted to let you guys know that in spite of the move and the lack of shows, I will still be doing live stand up performances at AnthroCon, Eurofurence and it's possible I'll be performing at Megaplex in Orlando, Florida as well.

Thanks for being patient with me during this. Honestly, no one is more ansy for me to get back to work than I am. Once I'm out west for good, I'm going to do what I can to make the wait worth it for you guys.